After the Storm
by paulacole
Summary: PostStormEye. McWeir fic. Kinda dark, rape scene. Feedback welcome.
1. Chapter 1

After the Storm 

_Post-Storm/Eye, McKay/Weir angst. Sorry if it seems too much like my SamDan ships – force of habit :p Feedback welcome._

_And I am in no way affiliated with MGM, the SciFi channel or anyone affiliated with Stargate. If I were, I'd be writing scripts, not fanfiction. I write for my own pleasure and anyway, I'm a poverty-stricken student, it's not worth suing me over._

She had been acting strangely since the storm and Koyla's hijacking of Atlantis, but Rodney McKay had been too absorbed in recovering from his own torture-induced wounds to notice for the better part of a week. Rodney was fairly self-absorbed by nature, although he'd always had a soft spot for Elizabeth, but when someone stuck a knife in his arm and twisted it around as a means of extracting information, well, he tended to forget there was anyone else in the universe except for him.

So it had taken him a while to realise Elizabeth was acting strangely. Distant. Skittish, especially around the men on Atlantis, including him, and they'd always been particularly close. She was the one person who could calm him down when he was ranting, and he was one of the few people she trusted absolutely – even more then John Sheppard, he felt smugly.

But now she was behaving strangely. She was behaving strangely towards everyone, but it particularly concerned him that she was behaving strangely towards _him_. Whatever might be happening in the rest of the world, he'd always thought He and Elizabeth would remain He and Elizabeth. What exactly He and Elizabeth were, he didn't know – only that he took a great deal of comfort out of their relationship and he didn't like that it had been changed.

He waited until he could get her alone, which happened to be in her office. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, something he had done a hundred times before with no problems. He just liked his conversations with Elizabeth to be private, that was all.

From behind her desk, Elizabeth watched as Rodney shut the door and a knot formed in her stomach. She kept her door open these days for a reason. The memories of Koyla marching her into this room… "Open the door, Rodney," she instructed in as calm as voice as she could manage.

He gave her one of his lopsided grins that he mostly reserved for her. "It's not locked or anything, I just don't want anyone to overhear us," he said. Perfectly reasonable request as far as he was concerned, it wasn't like he and Elizabeth being alone together was an unusual thing.

"Open the door," she instructed in a slightly more panicky voice. She got up to open it herself.

It was Rodney's bad luck that he happened to be between Elizabeth and the door. It was also bad luck that, seeing her unexplainable discomfort, he went to stop her, taking her wrist in his hand. As his fingers closed around her wrist, restraining her of sorts, she felt the panic rise up within her. "Let me go!" she ordered. "And open the goddamn door."

Of course, Rodney being completely clueless to the subtleties – or even the more over displays – of human behaviour, his concern for Elizabeth growing, he tightened his grip on her wrist. "Liz?" he asked, concerned.

"LET GO!" she shrieked, kneeing him hard in the groin. Rodney grunted and kneeled over, letting go of Elizabeth's wrist in the process. She bolted past him to open the door and stood from near the doorframe, watching him try to stand up.

"Jesus Christ, Liz, what the _hell _was that for?" he demanded. The last woman who had need him in the groin had done so following persistent attempts to kiss her. He figured it retrospect he had kind of deserved that but he had done nothing to provoke Elizabeth beyond showing friendly concern for her welfare.

She looked contrite. "I'm sorry," she said. "But I asked you to open the door and you didn't."

"So you _kneed_ me in the _balls_?" Rodney asked incredulously. "And what was so important about the door, anyway?"

"Nothing," Elizabeth said quickly, too quickly. She swallowed hard, recalling, against her will, the way Koyla had shut and locked the door behind him after marching her into her office. He'd looked her over, and the glint in his eyes was one she would never forget…

She shuddered violently and Rodney's eyes widened in alarm. "Liz?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Please, just go." If Rodney showed much more concern for her she was going to break down and cry and she was the leader of the expedition, she didn't break down and cry.

"Something's wrong, Liz. You've been acting strangely ever since the Genii hijacked this place," Rodney said – at least he wasn't completely unobservant to human behaviour. "You've been acting skittish around everyone, especially mean – Oh, God…" he gasped, the truth suddenly dawning on him. "Liz – did Koyla _rape_ you?"

"Rodney, go away," Elizabeth ordered him.

"No. Tell me did Koyla rape you?"

Oh, why did Rodney have to act all concerned _now_, when she actually needed him to be arrogant and self-absorbed. "It's none of your business," she said stiffly.

"Liz… I'm going to close the door again," Rodney said in a gentle voice Elizabeth had ever heard him use again. He'd _always_ been arrogant and self-absorbed, even when he'd been trying to impress Samantha Carter – actually, _especially _when he'd been trying to impress Samantha Carter. He was an arrogant, self-absorbed man so to hear him speak so softly and gentle to her was unnerving. He didn't want to frighten or surprise her in any way, as much for her own good as his and his ability to procreate. "I'm going to close the door because I don't think you'll want people to overhear this." He shut the door without a fuss from her and turned towards her. "Liz, it's me, Rodney. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not…going…to…hurt…you," he said slowly, reassuringly. When he got close enough he pulled her into his arms. He was acting entirely on instinct but it felt like the right thing to do and she didn't struggle against him so she couldn't feel too threatened.

She never thought she'd feel so safe in a man's arms again. The pressure of his arm around her back made her feel secure without feeling threatened. "Please," she said weakly, not really wanting to leave Rodney's embrace. "We shouldn't be doing this."

"Doing what? I'm your friend and I think you're happy that I'm here." He tried to keep his voice calm and soothing although his blood boiled to think Koyla had done that to her. If he'd known at the time, he would have killed the man with his bare hands. "What happened, Liz?" he asked.

She had intended to never tell anyone about it. The threat of rape was one of the reasons women weren't put on frontline units, although it was something Elizabeth had always thought was crap. There were plenty of other ways to violate a person then male/female rape. Although right now she wasn't sure…

She had never intended to tell anyone, but somehow, in Rodney's arms, she found the strength to tell him. Shakily, she began to tell Rodney what had happened…

When Koyla and his forces had arrived at Atlantis, killing two of the Atlantis team, they'd leaving Elizabeth and Rodney (and Sheppard somewhere on the base that the Genii didn't know about) alone with the hostile team and a storm on its way. They'd been split up, with Rodney being hauled off to try and get the shields working (_that_ ought to teach him about bragging) and Koyla marching Elizabeth into her office, locking the door behind them.

She had known from the way he had looked at her what he'd wanted. He'd made it clear he had every intention of getting what he wanted, if he had to call his men in to restrain her – and if he had to do that, he'd let them have their way with her after he was done. And if she did anything to attract Rodney's attention to her plight, he'd slit the scientist's throat in front of her – and continue to get what he wanted out of her.

Submission had seemed to be the best solution ; to fight wouldn't prevent her violation and only cause more trouble. He'd let her take off her clothes and drape them over the desk so they wouldn't get wrinkled. Then he'd ordered her to lie on the floor and he'd raped her violently, leaving ugly bruises, cuts and bite marks everywhere her uniform would cover. He'd wanted to make her cry out in pain, and she'd refused to give him that satisfaction. That, and she would not draw Rodney's attention to this. He'd already stepped in front of a gun for her, she had some degree of faith that he might coming running if he heard her scream.

After it was over he'd made her stay in the floor for several minutes, a smug, triumphant smile on his face. It made her think of ancient warlords who considered the personal slaughter of their rival warlords to be the greatest achievements ; only Koyla hadn't killed her, he'd done something that, in a way, was worse…

After he allowed her to get dressed and sent her out to work with Rodney she tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Nothing – except she felt dirty and unqualified to be a leader. There wasn't much else she remembered with such clarity from that date.

Except, funnily enough, how protectively Rodney had held her when they were in the rain together. The rain… it had been so cleansing, soaking her to the skin but washing every trace of Koyla off her. And the feel of Rodney's arm around her – you'd think she'd never want to be near a man again, but somehow, in those circumstances, she knew instinctively that Rodney was not going to hurt her. Rodney was doing his damnedest to protect her. Even if he hadn't succeeded when Koyla had looked at her with those hungry eyes, but that wasn't his fault…

Rodney's grip tightened on her when she finished her story and seemed to go weak in his arms. He felt the front of his shirt growing wet and he realised she was crying. "My God, Liz," he whispered hoarsely. "If I'd had any idea –"

"You would have come charging in like a bull at a red flag and gotten yourself killed," Elizabeth sniffled.

"So you get raped and I get my life saved," Rodney said with characteristic sarcasm, but uncharacteristic concern. "You _really _know how to make a man feel good about himself." Then his tone softened into something Elizabeth had never heard before. "I'm sorry, Liz," he said." I wish you'd told me before."

"I didn't want you to think less of me," she cried, not that it mattered now. You couldn't sink much lower then sobbing in a man's arms – at least not when you were trying to prove that a woman could do it just as well as a man. "I didn't want anyone to think less of me."

"You think I would think _less_ of you?" Rodney asked incredulously. "You _saved_ my _life_, Liz. You gave into that bastard without a fight." He felt his throat tighten when he thought about how hard that would have been for her to knuckle under without a fight just to keep him safe. "I care about you and respect you so much, I could never not respect you."

Elizabeth looked up at him, and there was a strange look in her eyes that he had never seen before. Then she kissed him.

She look him by surprise, and for a second he kissed her back. He had to admit, he'd fantasised about kissing her before – what red-blooded male wouldn't? She was one of the few women he really got along with, and sometimes, when he had troubled sleeping, images would come to him, images of taking 'his' little brunette in his arms and fusing his mouth to hers…

Their kiss – well, kiss_es_ really – became more frantic, more heated. He knew it was wrong but _God_ it felt good… he felt Elizabeth's hands slide quickly down his chest and abdomen to his belt buckle and she began fumbling with it, trying to free him of the constraint… Rodney stiffened. This was beyond his wildest fantasies, but he knew it was wrong. "Liz, stop," he urged, wondering if he was the biggest fool on the planet to turn her down.

She didn't stop. She undid his buckle and began working on the zip of his pants. "Make love to me, Rodney," she begged desperately.

He pushed her away. "No," he said.

She looked at him with tear sin her eyes. "Please," she begged. She kissed him again, and God help his dirty rotten soul, he kissed her back. "I don't want to think about Koyla. I want to be with someone else."

Her voice was so pleading, if it had been anything else, Rodney would have granted her request in a heartbeat. As it was, he was having trouble refusing her. She was looking at her with those beautiful brown eyes wide open, her mouth pouted seductively and he was so tempted to take her right here and right now like she so badly wanted him to…

He cupped her face in his hands. "Liz, do you really want to do this?" he asked in a tight, controlled voice. She nodded tearfully, but the look on her face was one of pure determination. She wanted to forget about what Koyla had done to her, and she had this mad idea that having sex with someone else would do the trick. He sighed. He was concerned that if he didn't say yes she'd find someone he would. "OK," he said. "But not here. I'll meet you in your room in an hour. Have a shower, get yourself cleaned up, OK?" she nodded. He kissed the top of her head. "Good girl," he said, He knew he sounded a little condescending but he figured Elizabeth needed someone tell her what to do, to look after her like a child.

He left her in her office and headed off to his own room, where he had a long, cold shower – after jerking off to thoughts of her, God help him, but he figured it could be for the best, given the seductive mood she'd been in just before.

He gave her the hour he'd said before making his way to her room. He'd always been a little miffed that she'd managed to secure the largest room in the city – fair enough, she was the leader, but he never liked someone having something bigger then him. "Liz?" he called through the door. "It's Rodney, can I come in?"

"Yes," Elizabeth called back. The doors slid open and he let himself in. He'd never been into her room before, she was a very private person like that. She was sitting on her bed, her legs tucked up under her shin and her arms wrapped around them. She looked very vulnerable and his heart went out to him. Right now, he hated Koyla. If he wasn't dead, Rodney would track the bastard down himself and make sure he paid for what he'd done to Elizabeth…

He focused his attention on the woman sitting in front of him. Closing the door behind him, he sat next to her on her bed. "Feeling better?" he asked sympathetically.

She nodded. "Thanks for – for not, well, you know," she said, looking sheepish.

"I had a beautiful women in my arms begging me to have sex with her and I turned her down," Rodney said ruefully. "I don't know if that makes me more of a man or less of one."

She touched his cheek gently. "More," she said softly. "I really wanted to do it, Rodney, and I would have," she said. She sighed and pressed her chin against her knees. The only thing that had stopped her from having sex with Rodney was Rodney himself. While that earned him a great deal more respect in her eyes, it also made her feel… unworthy. Leaders didn't just go around begging their insubordinates to sleep with them.

Tentatively, he pulled her into his arms. She didn't protest, in fact pressed herself closer into him, so he took that to mean his embrace was welcome. "I know you would have, I was there," he said wryly. "I was worried if I didn't say yes you'd just find someone else who would. Someone who isn't as chilvarous as me."

She rested her head on his shoulder. She hadn't realised he wore cologne, but it was a nice smell. "That was very chilvarous," she said. "Thankyou, Rodney."

"You're welcome," Rodney said dryly. He was _really _glad he'd had the foresight to 'take care of things' before he'd come here, because right now there was still a lingering temptation to take her up on her offer.

After a few minutes he became very aware of the pressure of her hand on his thigh, slowly moving upwards. He swallowed hard. "Liz," he said as evenly as he could, given he could feel his pants start to tighten, "what are you doing?"

"I thought it was quite obvious," he purred, and he hated the tone in her voice. It was so… _forced_, not like 'his' Elizabeth at all.

He pushed her hand away before it gave him any more ideas. "Well, stop it," he said.

Before he knew what was happening, she had straddled him and pinned him down on her bed. "Liz!" he yelled indignantly as she covered his face was kisses. With superhuman effort, he threw her off him. "What the hell was that about?" he asked incredulously.

"You said…in an hour…" she said, and her burst of energy was gone, replaced by a woman who was lost.

"I said that so you wouldn't do anything you'd regret," Rodney retorted. "Jesus Christ, Liz, do you think I'm really that much of an asshole?"

"So you don't want to sleep with me," Elizabeth said, Rodney's rejection burning deeply into her soul. He didn't want her… because she was damaged goods.

"No. I mean, yes. I mean… not like this." He took her hands in his and looked her deep in the eye. "If I were to take you to bed, Liz, it would be because you want me to, _you _want to be with _me_, not that you want to fuck any man because you think it will take away the memories."

She was crying now, crying heavily. He took her in his arms. "Sweetheart," he murmured. He was distracted by the feel of her in his arms, the lingering scent of soap and perfume. He gritted his teeth. If it killed him he would not take advantage of her. He was experiencing a new sensation of maturity and responsibility as it slowly dawned on him that he loved the woman sobbing in his arms, loved her to absolute distraction. It was the only thing that would explain his relentless desire to hunt Koyla down and make sure the bastard was dead – and if he wasn't, to make him wish he were. "I'm here for you in whatever capacity you need me – but right now you definitely do not need a lover." He kissed the top of her head. It was a strange experience, having a woman clinging to him as if her life depended on it – if it wasn't for the horrible circumstances that had brought it about, his ego would be swelling to twice its already considerable size.

Funny how he'd completely forgotten about the existence of Samantha Carter when he had Elizabeth Weir in his arms in a totally unromantic situation.

He let Elizabeth cry for another ten minutes until her sobs gradually lessened. She looked up at him, tears still in her eyes. "Thankyou," she said, sniffling. She had a new lot of respect for Rodney. She didn't know how many men would turn down sex with her.

He kissed her forehead. "Just don't do it again, I don't know how long I can resist you for," he said, only half joking. He looked her in the eyes and he knew, despite her obvious vulnerability, that he could be honest with her. He took a deep breath and took the plunge. "Liz… I _really_ like you," he said hoarsely.

"I know," she said absently.

Fear welled in his stomach. Had she misunderstood him? He wasn't used to people misunderstanding him. He usually barked out orders loud and clear. "No, I mean… I _really_ like you… as more then a friend," he managed in not much more then a whisper. "I know this is a really inappropriate time and you can slap me if you want – God knows I'm used to it – but I had to tell you." He looked sheepish and wondered if he'd been a complete ass in bringing up such a thing at a time like this. He waited to be slapped.

Instead, she stroked his cheek lovingly. "I – I really like you too," she admitted, hanging her head. "Oh, God, this is such a mess. People will talk and…"

"Hey," he said, cupping her chin and forcing her head up so she was meeting his eyes. "It'll be OK. We can take our time and anyway, I want you to work this thing out before we do anything. I meant what I said, Liz. I won't go to bed with you just because you think it'll make you forget. I think the time would be much better spent with Heightmeyer."

"OK."

He looked at her in surprise. "OK? The great Liz Weir is folding just like that?"

"Hey, I can admit when I can't do it alone," she couldn't resist taking a dig at Rodney. Well, if it got her to smile then she could take digs at him all day long. "Besides," she said, settling into his arms, which she never wanted to leave. "I have my reasons for wanting to work through this." She looked up at him, a slight mischievous smile playing on her lips.

"Yeah?" he asked, her the suggestions dancing in her eyes completely lost on him. "What are they?"

"Rodney!" the chided him.

He looked embarrassed. "Oh, you meant… us." It was hard for him to say 'us', but it sounded nice when he got it out. _Us. Him and Liz_. It had a nice ring to it.

"Of course I meant us. God, you can be dense when it comes to anything that can't be programmed onto a computer."

"Like this, you mean?" Rodney asked, and he couldn't resist bending his head to meet her lips and kiss her. Her lips parted when they met his, and it was a much softer, more intimate kiss then their first hungry kisses in her office. It was bliss. "Sorry," he said sheepishly when he broke apart from her. "Was that too much?"

She wanted to chide him for his apprehension, but she decided she rather liked it. Besides, Rodney was naturally awkward around women, and not wanting to set her off had made him even more unsure of what to do. She appreciated that he cared. "No," she said. "That was fine. In fact… I'd like it if you did it again."

"If the lady insists… " Rodney began.

"The lady insists," Elizabeth said, and their lips met for another kiss.

_Author's note: Not sure what to do with this. I may have another chapter, may not, depending on your feedback._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two 

Heightmeyer caught up with Rodney in the hall to his office. She'd been trying to get hold of the scientist for several days, but he was always in his office, and Elizabeth had told her that no excuse short of an imminent wraith attack was good enough to interrupt Rodney when he was working. She'd already threatened anyone who did with court-martial for disturbing the peace, as the peace would be very much disturbed if Rodney was interrupted.

"Rodney," she said discreetly. "I was wondering if you could swing by my office sometime this afternoon."

"Why?" he asked suspiciously. "What did I do?"

Kate laughed. Rodney's reputation as an arrogant man preceded him ; of course he'd assume it was something he'd done. "You haven't done anything, well, nothing bad," she reassured him. "I was just having a chat to Doctor Weir and she mentioned you. I'd like to follow that." She spoke in general terms on the off chance someone would overhear then and their conversation would see very casual.

Rodney was surprised ; he had known Elizabeth was going to see Kate but he didn't know she'd see her so soon. "Of course," he said, quick to do anything that would help Elizabeth's recovering process quicker. "What time?"

_What time?_ Rodney must care about Elizabeth deeply if he disregarded any other commitments he had. "Um, well we could go to my office now if you'd like," Kate suggested.

"Works for me," Rodney said. He followed Kate to her office, which had spectacular ocean views – not that they were hard to come by in this place. "How's Liz?" he asked as soon as Kate's doors were closed, not even bothering to sit down. "I mean, I know those doctor-patient laws still apply here, but whatever you can tell me…" he looked at her pleadingly. He cared about her a lot, she saw, and wanted to know exactly what was happening with her.

"It's OK, Rodney, she said it was OK for me to tell you what we talked about. She spoke very highly of you, she has a lot of faith in you."

Rodney squirmed with pleasure. He always liked it when people told him how much they needed him – and being told someone had a lot of faith in him wasn't far off – but when it came via Elizabeth, it meant even more to him. Then his expression turned seriously as he remembered why he was here. "How is she?" he asked.

"She blames herself," Kate said. "She spend a lot of time hypothesising about what she could have done differently, if she'd encouraged Koyla in some way, that kind of thing."

"She did no such thing!" Rodney exclaimed indignantly. He hadn't been there but he knew there would have been no way Elizabeth would encourage him.

"_I_ know that and _you_ know that," Kate said, "but she's having trouble accepting there's nothing she could have done."

"The only thing she did that was anything near encouraging him was not to fight him tooth and nail," Rodney said. "And she would have, if she hadn't been worried about me." He would always feel a little guilty about that. It didn't matter that she'd made a strategic choice – she'd saved his life when his death wouldn't have saved her from Koyla's ruthless assault.

Kate looked at him sympathetically. "That was her choice to make," she reminded him. "And she made it because she cares about you. You couldn't have saved her, Rodney, and she knew that. She just took the choice out of your hands. Please, it's important that you understand that. She needs you to help her through this."

Telling Rodney McKay he was needed – especially in a field he was usually considered completely inept in – had the desired affect. He pulled himself together immediately. He would always feel bad about the sacrifice Elizabeth made for him, but he realised there was a greater good – her wellbeing. He couldn't add to her torment even more by making it about him. "What do you need me to do?" he asked.

Kate smiled. "It's not about what I _need_ you to do," she informed him gently. It was easy to overlook the blunder, she was very familiar with Rodney's way of thinking ; what _needed _to be done to make something work, and what was superfluous. It was more important that he was willing to do anything to help Elizabeth ; he just needed a nudge in the right direction. "You have to work out the boundaries for yourself. But it's important that you respect her boundaries – very important. There are going to be times when she won't be able to stand having you within three feet of her, and others when she'll be all over you. By the way, for what it's worth, you did the right thing there."

"She told you about that, huh?" Rodney asked ruefully.

Kate nodded. "I was impressed by your restraint, a lot of guys wouldn't have," she said. "You must really care about her."

"Well I'm not going to have sex with woman when she doesn't really want it!" Rodney said indignantly. Jesus Christ, what did some people take him for? Just because he hadn't been laid in longer then he cared to think about didn't mean he didn't care whether then woman wanted it or not.

"Hey, I didn't mean to get you worked up," Kate said dryly. It was well known Rodney didn't have the greatest luck with women, there were plenty of people who wouldn't put it past him to sleep with anything that showed the slightest bit of interest. She made a mental note that he was particularly sensitive about that. "My point is, it's important that you be aware of her boundaries at any given times – and they will change a lot. One day she'll be really affectionate and the next she may not want to know you, and it's important that you don't push it when that happens or you'll scare her. She's very vulnerable right now, and if she can trust you, that's a huge first step."

Rodney nodded. He liked that he was the only person she trusted, but the responsibility scared the crap out of him. What if he said or did something wrong? Kate's warning scared him. How was he supposed to know what she wanted when it changed all the time. If he'd seen her since the day she'd told him about the rape and they'd kissed in her office and then her room – he hadn't, he'd wanted to give her space, and now he was wondering if _that_ had been such a bright idea – he would have assumed it was OK to kiss her again. What if she'd freaked out on him, what if his kisses would have brought back memories of Koyla? He felt the bile rise in his throat. He had no idea of what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to act – let alone how he was supposed to modify his behaviour _everytime he saw her_ – and he was sure he was going to make an absolute hash of things, like he always did when it came to women.

As it turned out, it was easier then he expected. He quickly learned to read her body language, although it involved forgetting about everything else in the room when she entered it, something that amused people to no end. They stopped talking about his hopeless crush on Samantha Carter and started talking about his hopeless crush on Elizabeth Weir. Everytime he heard it, he wanted to shout to the rooftops that she had started it, that she had begged him to sleep with her – twice – and that occasionally, when she was feeling particularly trusting of him she allowed him to kiss her. No, _allowed_ was too passive a word – while she rarely made the move herself, she always responded with passion, her tongue tangling with his, her chest pressed against his, her fingers running through her hair… everytime he heard people say what an ass he was making of himself, pursuing _another _unattainable woman, he wanted to scream out the truth – that she was _very_ interested in him, thankyouverymuch. But every time he managed to hold his tongue. Elizabeth wanted to keep this under wraps. He would keep it under wraps. And gloat forever more when the truth came out.

He learned to read her body language, though it was the most difficult language he had ever learned, full of subtleties and maddening inconsistencies. Well, as a scientist he knew that there were no such thing as inconsistencies, the problem was you hadn't applied to right formula, and to some degree, that proved to be true. The rest, he had to go by instinct.

He learned to call her name whenever he approached her from behind, because he learnt from the way her body tensed up at the sound of male footsteps that she was slightly intimidated by the sound. He learned from the way her shoulders tensed or relaxed whether it was a good or a bad day – if it was a good day, it was OK, welcome even to come up behind her right into her personal space, to be side by side with her, to rest his hand on the small of her back in an almost possessive way. And if it was a bad day, he learned to walk around her, to face her, preferably with a few feet and something solid between them.

He learned when she wanted to be alone and when she wanted to have him nearby, doing his own thing. He learned when she wanted to be held for an hour – sometimes calmly, sometimes shaking silently as she made the front of his shirt wet with her tears – and when it was OK to rub her back, his fingers caressing her body as platonically as he could manage, although always through her shirt. And, to his great delight and even greater pride, he learned when it was OK to stop rubbing her back, pull her against him gently so her back was pressed against his chest and trail soft kisses along her neck. The soft whimpers of pleasure she'd made and the way she'd grabbed his hand when he did this had had him up most of the night, grinning to himself like an absolute moron.

The next evening she'd come to him in his room. She had never spent time in his room before, it was always him coming to her room. He suspected it was because she was intimidated by the masculine presence, but he didn't say as much to her. She would come in her own time. And she did.

"I just wanted to tell you… I really enjoyed last night," she said.

"So did I," he said calmly, refraining from blurting out that the bags under his eyes were caused by five hours of thinking about it when he should have been sleeping. "Was there, uh, anything else?" he asked when he realised after several seconds that she was looking at him in a way he hadn't learned to decipher on account that he'd never seen it before. She was waiting for something – wanting to know something.

"It was twenty-three days since you kissed me," she blurted out. "Up until yesterday."

He took a little pleasure out of knowing she had been thinking of it in days, not more general weeks. Had she been counting like he had? No, she couldn't possibly have been counting the way he had – there hadn't been a time he'd seen her when he hadn't thought about how damn good it would be to kiss her. He'd been scared out of his wits of making such a bold move so he'd left it… and left it… and left it. "I know," he said calmly. He was getting good at being calm.

"Why did you wait so long?" she asked him.

"I didn't want to scare you. Christ, Liz, there have been times when I thought if I held you too tight you'd break."

Elizabeth stared at the ground. She thought about the hours she had spent in Rodney's arms, sobbing uncontrollably, how patient, how gentle he'd been. Before now, she hadn't thought Rodney capable of that kind of gentleness and patience, and she loved him for it. "I've asked a lot of you, haven't I?" she asked.

"Nothing I didn't want to give," he reassured her. Gently he cupped her chin and forced her head up so she was looking him in the eyes. "Liz, I love you far too much to hurt you, you know that, don't you?" he asked. She nodded, and tears filled her eyes. Goddamnit, why was she always so teary around him? Because she trusted him enough to let down her guard around him. "Hey, don't cry," he urged when the tears starting falling down her face. Instinct told him it was the right thing to do, so he leaned in to kiss her, wedging her between the door and his body for leverage.

She should have felt frightened to be so restrained. These rooms were soundproof, and Rodney was a lot stronger then she was – there was nothing to stop him doing what he wanted to her – like Koyla had done. But she knew Rodney wouldn't hurt her. She trusted him implicitly. And his kiss was wonderful. For three weeks, she had been anticipating this kiss – sometimes more then others – and she wasn't disappointed. He knew how to kiss, or maybe it was just that he knew how to kiss _her_. She opened her mouth to his, savoured the taste of his lips on hers, met his tongue, first playfully, then passionately. She ran her hands across his chest, through his hair, down his back ; he supported her head with one hand, twirling her dark locks through his fingers, his free hand resting on her hip. Slowly, he moved that hand upwards to her breasts. She tensed up very slightly, she probably wasn't aware of it herself, but he picked it up and settled his hand back on her hip. She relaxed.

He withdrew from her slightly so he could meet her eyes. "I love you," he said shakily. He had kind of said it before, but only in passing. For some reason that had no logic to it, he wanted Elizabeth to know he loved her. "I would never hurt you."

She hugged him. "I know," she said. "I love you too."

They were the words he had been longing to hear, the words that made him instantly forget all the frustration that had come from learning how to be patient. He leaned in to kiss her again. He loved kissing her. He'd never really appreciated kissing all on its won before Elizabeth – he'd learned to approach sex as a science (a science he excelled at, no less) and as such, saw kissing as a means of foreplay. But Elizabeth wouldn't let him go further then a kiss, or rather, he wouldn't let himself go further then a kiss for her sake. So a kiss had come to mean a whole lot more to him. He savoured the taste of her, the feel of her mouth pressed close and hot against his, her fingers through his hair…

Shakily, he pulled away. "What's wrong?" Elizabeth asked.

"I think we should stop… before I can't stop," he mumbled, feeling a little ashamed of himself. Kate kept telling him it was natural for him to have urges, especially since he was spending so much time with Elizabeth, most of it platonic, but he still felt bad about it. Elizabeth had enough to worry about without him reducing her to a sex object by jerking off over her.

She caressed his cheek gently. God, she loved him so much. She couldn't believe how patient he had been with her in these last three weeks. It must be hard for him to spend so much time with her without actually getting anything out of it – at least, not the kind of thing any red-blooded male would want. She wanted so badly to be able to pay him back for all he'd given her that her desire to make it up to him – and her desire for _him_ – almost overcome her apprehensions. "I think I can –" she began in a small voice.

He placed two fingers over her mouth gently. "Don't be stupid," he said firmly. "I'm not going to let you do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. And I knew you don't feel comfortable." He could see it in her eyes, hear it in her apprehensive words.

"But you must be –" she began.

He withdrew from her completely, walking over to his bed. "I must be desperate to get into your pants?" he offered. She nodded. "Maybe, but I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to."

Tentatively, she sat down beside him. "I want to make you happy," she said.

"I want _you_ to be happy," he returned. "I love you Liz, and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardise your wellbeing."

She started to cry again. Goddamnit, why couldn't she be stronger around Rodney? Because she _could_ be teary around him, that was why. She rested her head against his shoulder. "You've been so good to me," she said.

"Well, it's not like I had a colourful sex life before this happened," Rodney admitted wryly. "Seriously, Liz, I'm not going to do anything to jeopardise us. I'll do whatever it takes to make you better." He kissed the top of her head. "I don't care how hard it is."

And it _was_ hard, as he admitted to Kate once, when he was feeling particularly frustrated. The night before they'd gotten into a heavy making out session and it had been going great until he'd felt her tense up slightly when slipped a hand between her thighs. He'd slowed down, knowing he could have gone all the way if he'd wanted to – she would have let him in the sense that she would have been pretty passive but she wouldn't have resisted him either. For a brief moment he'd been so goddamn horny he thought seriously about passive sex as an option. Then his love for her had gotten the better of his hormones, but he'd felt deeply ashamed of himself. He'd lain awake for most of the night with a raging hard-on, unable to bring himself to jerk off over her like a fantasy in a men's magazine. She wasn't some whore in a picture, she was Elizabeth Weir who had already been used by a man, she didn't need to be used by another man. At least, that was how he saw it.

"You don't need to beat yourself up about it," Kate reassured him. "To be honest, I'd be more concerned if you _didn't_ have any desire for her. You're a healthy adult male, Rodney, and you're spending a lot of time with a woman who you're attracted to and not sleeping with. It's normal for you to have urges and fantasies. What matters is you're not acting on them."

It was hard for Rodney to be convinced. It was just one more thing to add to his general fear of upsetting her somehow. He was doing everything in his power to help her and it felt like it wasn't enough. But as the weeks went by and she opened up to him more – emotionally, physically, sexually – it got easier to deal with his attraction to her, and he felt less guilty about fantasising over her to relieve his sexual desires.

Until things went very pear-shaped.

Things had been progressing nicely. They were spending a lot of time together, as much as they could manage without raising more then just a few eyebrows. Teyla had mentioned a few things in passion, but Teyla was an insightful woman and more to the point, she knew how to keep her mouth shut. For the first time in his life, Rodney McKay was actually worried about people finding out he was in a relationship with a beautiful, intelligent woman. He himself wanted to shout it to the rooftops, but Elizabeth wanted to keep it under wraps a little while longer and he would have given Elizabeth practically anything that she asked for.

So they kept things quiet, and their relationships progressed, emotionally and sexually. He was learning to read her very well and was exercising considerable restraint in their blossoming relationship.

And she knew it. She knew how patient he'd been, she knew how much restrain he was exercising. She knew it was hard for him to take things so slowly. She knew how badly he wanted her. He was getting good at reading her – and she was getting good at reading him. She could see the was his eyes flashed briefly with disappointed when she tensed up slightly when he slipped his hand a little too high on her thigh. She could see the hunger and disappointment when she told him, with her body language, that he was taking things too far. He would have to be a eunuch not to be frustrated with such an arrangement, and Elizabeth knew from the way he touched her that he was far from a eunuch.

She wanted to give him what he wanted. She loved him for how patient he had been with her, how patient he continued to be with her. He said he didn't mind that all they did was make out, but she knew him better then that. She didn't think she was ready to have sex with him yet, but she felt confident she could meet him halfway – although convincing _him_ of that would be another thing entirely.

One day they were in her room enjoying a particularly steamy makeout session – by their standards, anyway – with him sitting on the bed, his feet on the floor and her straddling him, and she started working her way down his body until she was on her knees on the floor in front of him. She ran her hand over her crotch provocatively, and began working on the buckle of his pants.

Reluctantly he pushed her away. "You don't have to," he said. His voice betrayed just how badly he wanted her to. It had been almost two months and he was finding it harder and harder to respect the boundaries. X-rated fantasies crept into his head and he was very reluctant to stop her.

She smiled up at him. It was easy to be loving with her smile, that was a sentiment she already felt ; it was hardly to appear calm, but she was a diplomat, it was her job to appear calm. Privately she felt a little apprehension, but she told herself that was because it had been a while since she had done anything so sexual and her last experience had hardly been a good one. "I want to," she said reassuringly.

He liked the way her eyes sparkles with love and calmness. He had a vauge idea that as a diplomat, it was her job to appear calm regardless of how she actually felt, but he chose to overlook that. He wanted her too badly to bother himself with such minor details. She said she wanted to, she looked like she wanted to, he wouldn't argue with that.

Seeing his consent, she went back to the buckle of his pants, easily freeing him of the material. His desire was already very obvious before she'd properly touched him. Yes, Rodney had been very, very patient and if she wasn't ready to go all the way with him just yet, she could make it up to him in other ways.

Rodney groaned when Elizabeth took him in her mouth. "Ooooh, baby that feels good," he said gutturally when she took him in as much as she could. His hands flew to the back of her head and he began working his fingers through her hair as she worked on _him_. "Liz, _Liz_," he cried out as she used her fingers and mouth to drive him completely wild. He was whimpering uncontrollably like a child, and she loved that she could do that to him. She didn't particularly like the feel of him in her mouth, but she loved the way he was responding to her. This was a cinch.

And then it suddenly went bad. Giving out a roar of pent-up desire when he passed the point of no return, he grabbed the back of her head and pushed her right against his crotch so she was forced to take in the entire length of his considerable erection. She gagged and tried to pull away from him but he held her securely against him as he thrust hard and fast. This was definitely not what she had planned. She felt the bile ride in her throat and the feeling of dread she'd felt with Koyla wash through her body. She felt terrified and was two seconds away from biting down hard…

Rodney came hard, screaming as he spurted warm bitter liquid into her mouth. Shaking from the magnitude of the event – he hadn't realised until then just how badly he needed a release – he let her go and she dropped onto her hands on the floor so she was on all fours, crying and spitting out onto the floor.

Rodney immediately realised something was wrong. He got her a glass of water and tissues and sat down beside her. She gulped down the water and he wiped her mouth gently. Now that the moment was over and he wasn't so preoccupied with sex, guilt crept into him. He should have known she wasn't ready for it.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked.

She looked at him accusingly, her eyes filled with tears. "How could I?" she asked. "You were holding my head down with your dick down my throat."

He cringed at her words ; he'd always hated to hear sex put so crudely, and to have it come from the mouth of the woman he loved about him… "I'm sorry," he said helplessly, horror at himself growing. He kept telling himself _I should have known – I should have known_. Girlfriends in the past had complained about the way he climaxed ; he should have known it would freak her out. He shouldn't have let her go ahead with it. He should have known she wasn't ready. But no, his dick had thought for him. He was a selfish, rotten bastard. "Do you want me to go?" he asked.

Elizabeth knew Rodney was beating himself up over it. She knew she shouldn't be so harsh on him, after all, she had insisted on going down on him. But right now she was reliving the memories of Koyla, still feeling the pressure of Rodney's hard, ruthless penis forced down her throat. In her present state of mind, she could barely separate the two men. "Yes," she said.

Rodney forced back the tears. He would not cry in front of Elizabeth, not when it was his fault. What he really wanted to do – desperately wanted to do – was take her in his arms and tell her over and over that it was alright, he was sorry and he'd never do it again. But she wanted him to go, and he had to at least respect that. He left her in her room, his heart breaking for her, feeling like the biggest cad in the world, feeling little better then Koyla.

He went to bed but was unable to sleep, his mind weighed down with his guilt. He had gotten Elizabeth to do something she really hadn't wanted to do. He knew this wasn't the same as _forcing_ her, but in Elizabeth's current state of mind, he wasn't sure if she would make that distinction – and that was really what mattered. He should have known it was only something she was doing to make him happy. He should have made her stop. He should have – he tossed and turned for hours, his guilt growing as insomnia set in.

At three in the morning there was a knock on Rodney's door. At first he ignored it, but it grew more insistent until it became apparent that whoever was on the other side was not going to go away. "Who is it?" he asked irritably.

"It's me, Liz," Elizabeth's tearful voice came. "Can I come in?"

Was she kidding? If she wanted to come in, of course he would let her. He sat up in bed. "Come in, Liz," he said.

She opened the doors to his room and entered. Even in the half-light he could see she'd been crying a lot. Well, he'd left her crying and she probably hadn't stopped. His heart went out to her. He loved her and he couldn't bear to see her so unhappy – and to have been the cause of it, too. He scooted over in bed so there was room for her and she gratefully climbed into bed with him, clinging to him tightly, crying.

He stroked her hair gently. He was worried about exactly how intimate to be with her but she had come to him and she seemed to want his affection. "It's OK," he whispered to her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you. I should have known better."

"I wanted to make you happy," she cried into his chest.

"You do make me happy," he insisted. "I love you, Liz. I'd do anything for you, you know that."

"Not sexually I don't make you happy," she pointed out tearfully.

He sighed. She had a point and there was no denying it. But at the same time, she was missing a very important point and he told her so. "I don't care about sleeping with you nearly as much as I care about _you_," he said. "I'll wait as long as it takes but I don't want you to do anything you don't want to."

She cried harder into his chest. "You're too good to me," she said.

"I don't want to hear you say that again," Rodney ordered her. He forced her to look into his eyes. "_I love you_, how many times do I have to say it?" He lowered his head to kiss her gently. "As long as it takes," he murmured lovingly.

His reassuring words and secure hold had a calming effect on her, and she started drifting off to sleep. He nudged her awake. "You should go back to your own room," he told her. "If we're found in the morning…" he didn't need to spell out what ramifications _that_ would have.

She curled up to him even more snugly. "Wanna stay with you," she mumbled. "Don't care what people say."

"OK," Rodney said, leaning over to set his alarm for two hours in case he fell asleep. He had no intention of letting Elizabeth make a decision like that, he'd wake her up in a few hours and make her leave. He wanted her to stay, of course, but not like this, not when she wasn't thinking right to make that decision – her relationship with Rodney versus what people would say if they were found together.

It didn't take long for Elizabeth to fall asleep after that. Rodney lay awake feeling her in his arms. He vowed he wouldn't hurt her like that again. He loved her too much.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three 

Rodney was drifting off to sleep himself when his alarm clock rudely dragged him from the promise of sleep, although Elizabeth didn't stir in his arms. God, it was so tempting to let her keep sleeping, consequences be damned. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to shake her awake. As much as he wanted to spent what remained of the night with her in his arms, he had already decided she wasn't in a state of mind to make that decision – so he made it for her. Elizabeth was going back to her own room. "Liz," he whispered urgently as he shook her. "Liz, wake up."

Elizabeth groaned at the sudden assault and responded by snuggling up to Rodney closer. "Go back to sleep," she murmured sleepily.

He sighed and disentangled himself from her arms, retrieving a bottle of water from the side of his bed. He dumped the contents onto her face, which got her awake, wiping water from her eyes, glaring at him hatefully. "What did you do that for?" she demanded.

"You need to go back to your own room," he said calmly. "I don't think you want people to find you in my bed in a few hours."

"That's my decision to make," she said crankily.

"You're not in a state of mind to make that decision," he returned. He knew he sounded condescending but he really thought it was for her own good. When she made the choice to spend the night with him – even just platonically – he didn't want it to be because she was vulnerable and not thinking straight.

She glared at him hatefully. "I'm not some weak little girl who doesn't know her own mind," she spat at him.

"I know you aren't, Liz. Maybe I'm just being over cautious. But I've made up my mind, I want you to go back to your own room."

Seeing Rodney _had_ made up his mind, Elizabeth glared at him and stormed out of his room. He reflected wryly that she wasn't the first girlfriend who'd stormed out on him, although he certainly hoped she'd be the last. She'd looked pretty ticked that he'd thrown her out of bed, he hoped she'd get over it.

She didn't speak to him for two days, bot beyond cool professionalism. When he tried to steer the conversation towards the personal, she cut him off abruptly and walked away. Yep, she was still pissed.

The truth was, Rodney throwing her out at some god-awful hour had made her think. He had only been concerned with how people would react to knowing they'd spent the night together – she herself had put that caveat on their relationship, that she didn't want people knowing. He had only been respecting that, even beyond her insistence that she didn't care. Poor Rodney, he was bending over backwards to do what she wanted – and to make sure it was what she really wanted when she changed her mind.

She supposed she had given him quite a scare over the blow job thing – no wonder he had insisted she leave his room, he hadn't trusted her ability to change her mind. She loved him for his foresights, although the more she thought about it, the more she realised she wanted to make their relationship public, and accept whatever consequences came.

She thought about it for two days until she knew she was absolutely certain this was what she wanted and it wasn't her acting out of insecurity or vulnerability.

In those two days, she realised she'd been a little short with Rodney but she was distracted by the ongoing problems of Atlantis as well as their relationship – actually, mostly their relationship.

After two days, she called a general meeting in the gateroom. People struggled in until she had a fair sized crowd that was maybe half Atlantis's population – well, this ought to teach people not to ignore her meetings. She made sure Rodney was present – otherwise the purpose for calling this meeting would have been defeated.

"Thankyou, those of you who showed up," she began awkwardly, her famous diplomacy abandoning her. "Doctor McKay and I have something to tell you all, Rodney," she asked him, directing him up to where she was standing.

Needless to say, Rodney looked surprised – he wasn't aware they had anything to tell people. He walked up to her side. Without warning, she snaked one. Without warning, she snaked one arm around his waist and her free hand through his hair and kissed him full on the lips, much to his surprise. After a few seconds of just standing there, trying to get a grip on the situation, he kissed her back, full on the lips. He didn't know what had possessed her to do such a thing, but he was glad she had forgiven him.

Whenever he was kissing Elizabeth, he easily got lost in the passion of the moment and forgot they had an audience until the sounds of applause and cat-calling interrupted his thoughts. Reluctantly, he broke away from her and broke away from the amused crowd. He wasn't used to such attention for his romances – it wasn't exactly a common occurrence that beautiful women called general meetings to kiss him in front of dozens of people – so he just smiled and pushed Elizabeth towards the exit.

He didn't say anything until he got her into her room and shut the door behind them – Elizabeth's little stunt had not doubt stirred the gossips up and he did not want anyone overhearing their conversation.

"What was that about?" he asked her when the door was shut. His eyes searched hers for an honest answer as he tried to focus on Elizabeth's reply and not the taste of her on his lips.

"I would have thought it was obvious," Elizabeth said. "You kicked me out of bed because you didn't think I was capable of making the decision to let people know about us. Well, I thought about it – a _lot_ – and I decided this is what I want. For us to be together. And for people to know about it."

Rodney's heart leapt, although he tried to stay calm. He'd so badly wanted Elizabeth to stay with him that night he'd made her go back to her own room, but he'd been determined that she should make that decision when she was in the right frame of mind. "Are you sure?" he asked, although there wasn't much either of them could do about it now. She had just kissed him very passionately in front of dozens of people, most of whom were this very minute telling other people what they'd seen – with embellishments, of course.

"Goddamnit, Rodney, when are you going to accept I can make my own decisions?" Elizabeth asked a little irritably. She wished he She wished he wouldn't second-guess her decisions quite as much as he did.

He gently took her hands in his. "Liz, you really freaked me out the other day. I don't know if you really meant what you say. You told me you wanted to, then you made me feel like I'd used you. I _don't know_ what to think." This last statement was a huge thing for Rodney ; it wasn't in his nature to admit that there was something that was beyond even his considerable – even if it _was_ women and relationships.

Elizabeth caressed his cheek gently. He looked troubled, confused. She couldn't blame him. "You've figured it out pretty well," she said "I've seen how frustrated you are sometimes – I know you want to take things further."

"Not if you don't want to!" Rodney said indignantly. "Jesus Christ, Liz, how many times do I have to tell you that?" He softened his voice when he saw the alarmed look on Elizabeth's face. "I want us to see Heightmeyer together. She has experience with couples counselling. I can't work this out on my own anymore." He was close to tears, and Elizabeth realised just how hard the last month had been for him. She would never be able to repay him for the patience and love he had shown her. "OK," she agreed, thinking it was a better idea then her seeing Kate alone and Kate doing her best to steer Rodney through their troubled relationship. "But – I meant what I said before, Rodney. I do want us to go public, I'm sorry if I caught you by surprise. I should have consulted you."

He smiled at her lovingly. Like he cared about how she'd gone about it. "I was getting sick of having to be with you in secret," he admitted.

"And not being able to defend yourself when people teased you about your pathetic little crush on me?" Elizabeth asked, a teasing smile playing on her lips. She'd had plenty of people come up to her to tell her Rodney had a hopeless crush on her, and she assumed since people tended to gossip _down_, not _up_, that was only the tip of the iceberg of what was being said.

Rodney looked embarrassed. That had been a reason, but he didn't want to make it about his ego. "I didn't care about that," he insisted. Although it would be a relief to know that no-one would be giving him grief for following Elizabeth around like a puppy dog – or, at least, be giving him less crap then usual.

She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. He had cared, she knew – it was human nature, he was always being teased about his bad luck with women, why wouldn't he want to brag when he finally got the girl? The fact he hadn't said anything through all that teasing was testimony to how much he cared about her. He cared about her more then he cared about what people were saying about him – for a man as arrogant as Rodney was, that was quite an achievement.

"I'm going to see Kate tomorrow," she said, suddenly shy. "Do you want to come with me?"

"I think that would be a good idea," he said. He didn't _like_ the idea of having to get someone else in to help them with their relationship problems, it just wasn't in his nature to accept help from people. But – he had to concede, he couldn't do this on his own anymore. Elizabeth's freak-out had scared the crap out of him. His options were either to accept help from Kate or walk away from his relationship with Elizabeth. And walking away from his relationship with Elizabeth was _not_ an option.

Rodney left Elizabeth's room later that afternoon feeling better but lost in his own thoughts. He didn't see or hear Kavanagh until he spoke. "I hear you and Weir are together?" he said in a snide, suggestive voice. Rodney had never like Kavanagh, thought the man was arrogant and irritating without contributing anything productive to the expedition.

"That's none of you business," Rodney said coldly.

"It's everyone's business if you're getting special treatment just because you're sleeping with the boss," Kavanagh retorted.

He _would_ think of that, Rodney thought. "If I get special treatment, it's because I deserve it for my contribution to this expedition," Rodney said sweetly, implying that Kavanagh had made no such contributions – which he hadn't.

The thing with such people was, while they're the first to complain about other people's behaviour, their own behaviour tends to be less then admirable – and they resent anyone drawing attention to the fact. Kavanagh was immediately on the defensive, and determined to rile Rodney. "No need to get defensive just 'coz you're balling the boss," he sniped.

He immediately earned Rodney's wrath. Rodney punched Kavanagh hard in the face, giving him a black eye that would be noticeable for the next two weeks and causing his nose to start bleeding. Kavanagh stumbled back, howling with race. He glared at Rodney, but upon seeing the deadly glare from the scientist, decided it would be best not to take him on one-on-one. "You haven't heard the last of this," he snarled.

Rodney knew he hadn't heard the last of it ; Kavanagh wasn't the type to let things go, even when he'd been the provoker. Although he didn't expect it to bite him on the ass so quickly either. The following afternoon, when he swung by Elizabeth's office so they could go to see Kate together, he knew from the look on her face she had been informed of Rodney's little altercation with Kavanagh.

"How could you be so stupid?" Elizabeth asked her. Kavanagh had made it very clear he expected Rodney to be reprimanded for assaulting him and that he would get no special treatment because of his 'relationship' with her (the snide way he'd said 'relationship' had made Elizabeth want to deck him herself). It was exactly what she'd been afraid of ; that when Rodney played up, which he often did, there would be people like Kavanagh who expected Rodney to be made an example of just so Elizabeth couldn't be accused of giving him special treatment.

Rodney squirmed. He knew it had been wrong to lose his temper like that, especially since, now their relationship was out in the open, there would be some people like Kavanagh who expected Rodney to be made an example of just so Elizabeth couldn't be accused of giving him special treatment. But his love and protectiveness of Elizabeth had gotten the better of him – he still cringed when he thought of the idea of him 'balling' Elizabeth. It made him want to go and punch Kavanagh again. "It was the way he was talking about you," he complained. "He was totally undermining your authority."

She sighed. "_You_ undermined my authority by punching him," she reminded him. "I can deal with people like Kavanagh, I have so far, haven't I?" Rodney nodded ; she had been far more diplomatic with such people then he would have been. Which was why she was head of the expedition and he was head of the science team. "What I can't deal with, Rodney, is you sticking your nose in. It'll cause more trouble then it will solve." She sighed again. "Now I have to make an example out of you, just so people don't think I've given you special treatment."

Normally, Rodney would have screamed to the heavens if Elizabeth would have dared dole out any punishment for breaking the rules. He was a firm believer that he was always in the right and therefor what he'd done 'wrong' wasn't really a wrongdoing. But things were different now, he was much more aware of the position Elizabeth was in – and the position he'd put her in. "Whatever you decide," he said grimly, visualising weeks of being grounded at Atlantis, "I'll accept it."

At least he was being good about the trouble he'd caused – that was something. Incidentally, it was unlike Rodney to cop it sweet like this – normally he'd be screaming to the heavens that he was being victimised, that he was in the right and therefor not capable of any wrongdoing to be punished. "Thankyou," she said. She thought quickly. "Two weeks grounded – and apologise to Kavanagh."

Rodney cringed. The two weeks grounding he could accept, it was only what he'd expected, but to apologise to Kavanagh – he looked at Elizabeth, saw the weight of leadership in her eyes, and decided not to make it harder for her. "OK" he said.

She looked at him in surprise. "OK?" she asked. "You're folding, just like that."

He looked sheepish. "I don't wanna make things harder for you," he admitted, looking almost embarrassed that he, Rodney McKay, was so mad about a woman he'd fold so easily. He reached for her hand. "Let's go."

It was their first time as a 'couple' outside of their rooms, and people looked at them as they walked through the halls of Atlantis to Kate's office. Rodney was torn between immense pride – not to mention the very human urge to gloat to all the people who'd teased him about his crush on Elizabeth – and a little embarrassment. He wasn't used to people looking at him like that, like they couldn't wait to run and tell people of what they'd seen. He was used to being looked at in awe and annoyance, but not like his actions were worth gossiping about.

"Rodney, I wasn't expecting to see you today," Kate said when she saw them together. Like everyone else, she had heard the gossip that Elizabeth and Rodney were an item – unlike most of the gossips, she knew the truth, and she had assumed they had decided to out themselves – but she had expected to have that confirmed by one or the other, not both together.

But then, maybe one of them had decided that her constant pushing them to see her together was a good idea after all.

Rodney looked embarrassed. "Uh, Liz thought –" he looked a little chastised when Elizabeth sent him a _look_, "– _we_ thought it would be good to see you… together. As a couple."

Kate smiled ; good for them. She had been forthright in her concern to both Rodney and Elizabeth that she didn't think Rodney was handling the stress of dealing with Elizabeth's trauma very well – which was understandable, given it wasn't exactly his area of expertise. Hell, women in general were far from his area of expertise. It was a wonder he had gotten this far without completely losing it. "Take a seat," she said to the newly-outed couple.

She eased them into conversation, starting out with something fairly innocent – how people were reacting to their being together. Gut instinct told her something had happened to bring them to her together, and that same thing was mostly likely responsible for them outing themselves, so she skirted around the issue to start off with.

Rodney admitted it was hard dealing with people like Kavanagh who saw fit to talk down about Elizabeth to him. He just wasn't used to the mantle of diplomacy, and he didn't like it. He didn't see how it should be anyone's business but theirs.

"That's what you get for dating the leader of the expedition," Elizabeth chided him gently. Kate noticed the way he looked contrite. He was trying hard to do what was best for Elizabeth. If only people could see him now, Kate thought ruefully.

"It's not something that's going to go away entirely," Kate pointed out. "After a while, people will mostly get bored, but there will always be someone determined to hold a grudge." Like Kavanagh. "How do you feel about that?"

Rodney shrugged. "I can handle it, I guess," he said. "I wanna make Liz happy. I just wish people would mind their own damn business."

Kate smiled wryly. "Unfortunately it doesn't work like that," she sympathised. "But if it's any consolation, when people see you're happy together and can work together, they'll mostly lose interest."

"Can't come soon enough," Rodney grumbled. He wasn't used to his love-life being under such scrutiny – admittedly because he didn't _have_ much of a lovelife, but still – people should mind their own business.

Kate skilfully manoeuvred the conversation to what had brought them to her office together. Elizabeth slowly and disjointedly told Kate what had happened in her disastrous attempt to further their sexual relationship. Rodney stayed silent the whole way through, realising this was something Elizabeth had to tell on her own, but he looked more and more uncomfortable, ashamed of his actions, regretting he hadn't been able to read her better.

"It was fine, until the end," Elizabeth finished in a whisper, half-reliving the moment and half embarrassed at confessing such details. She wasn't a prude, but neither was she used to sharing the details of her sex life to anyone but her lover. "Then he was… holding my head down so hard… I felt like I…" she struggled to find the words.

"Didn't have a choice?" Kate offered. Elizabeth nodded, and Rodney sunk a little lower in his chair. He felt like a complete cad. He should have known that would have happened. He should have been able to read her better.

As if she could read Rodney's thoughts – although his body language wasn't that hard to decipher, even for a psychiatrist – Kate asked Elizabeth, "You didn't entirely feel comfortable taking that step, did you?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "He's been so patient with me, I really wanted to give him something then just kissing."

Rodney broke his silence. "Liz…" he said, gripping her hand tighter. Although he'd gathered that already, to hear her say the sentiment out loud broke his heart a little. Hadn't he made it clear he wanted nothing from her that she wasn't willing to give?

She turned to face him. "You don't understand… I can't just take and take and not give anything in return. I don't understand how you put up with it sometimes. All I do is cry and let you kiss me."

"And what, the alternative is for you to just lie there passively and endure sex with me?" Rodney snapped. He could handle Elizabeth's apprehensions towards sexual intimacy, but he had little tolerance for the guilt she felt over it. What did she take him for, someone completely insensitive to her emotional needs? It was an attitude he would have understood, expected even from most people, but he thought she knew him better then that.

"Rodney's got a point, Elizabeth," Kate said, not for the first time surprised by the sensitivity the arrogant scientist displayed towards Elizabeth. Every day he continued to confirm her suspicion that underneath that arrogance was a kind-hearted man capable of a great deal of love and respect for his fellow human beings. "He cares about you very much and he doesn't want you to push yourself for his sake. If you can't accept that you won't be able to move forward in your relationship."

She noticed the look of panic on Rodney's face when she said this ; clearly, the possibility of their relationship stagnating was something that had played quite heavily on his mind.

Elizabeth felt it in the way he gripped her hand in a sudden bout of insecurity. He was terrified of losing her, intimacy be damned. She realised that he loved her far more then he wanted to have sex with her and that brought a great sense of peace to her. "I think I can accept that," she said, her voice quite but confident.

Kate was satisfied with the determined glint in her eyes and said to Rodney, "I'd like to talk to Elizabeth on her own."

Rodney got up and planted a quick kiss on Elizabeth's cheek. "I'll be in my office if you want me," he said, knowing he wasn't going to get an iota of work done until he saw her again. But then, if he stayed in his room and moped everyone would talk about how Rodney McKay was sitting in his room, moping about his girlfriend so better to at least look like he was working. It wasn't like any of the plebs were anywhere near his level of knowledge to know the difference between him working and him not working. At this thought, Rodney smiled. He might be displaying unprecedented levels of sensitivity, but he was still proud, arrogant Rodney McKay.

Half an hour later she poked her head around the door of the office Rodney shared with Zelenka. Zelenka took the deathly glare Rodney sent him to mean he was meant to amuse himself somewhere else. He took off.

"I didn't mean to scare him off," Elizabeth remarked wryly, although she suspected it had been Rodney's death glare that had scared him off. She supposed she should be flattered.

"He had, uh, other stuff to do," Rodney said vaguely. He was sure Radek could find something else to do on Atlantis, what, he didn't really care, so long as it wasn't in his – _their _– office. He took her hands in his and smiled that special smile her reserved just for her and led her over to the couch he'd had installed for when he'd been working all night and was too lazy to go to his own room to sleep. "How did it go?" he asked. Then he sheepishly added, "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

She kissed him on the cheek. He was so sweet. She wished he would show his softer side to more people. She had tried to defend him when people came up to her and wanted to know what had possessed her to date someone like Rodney, only to be met with incredulity that Rodney could be sweet and sensitive. "She told me I need to trust you more," she said. "That it's detrimental to our relationship… that you love me and don't want me to push myself."

"Liz…" he sighed, cupping her head with his hands. "I've been trying to tell you that the whole time we've been together."

Tears welled in her eyes when she thought about how stupid she'd been, how baldy she'd underestimated how much Rodney loved her and respected her. "I know," she said in a small voice. "I'm sorry."

He kissed her lightly on the lips. "Don't be sorry," he urged. "Just please trust me a little more." There was desperation in his voice when he thought about the possibility of losing Elizabeth to her insecurities.

He leaned over to kiss her. He used all his restraint not to be too aggressive in his embrace and was relieved when she kissed him back. Automatically he read her body language and didn't pick up any stress – although she had deceived him before. He pulled away from her so he could look her in the eyes. "You're not pulling one over me again?" he asked. He could do with the stress of a hard-on that he couldn't do anything about, but not the guilt of having pushed Elizabeth too far.

"No," she said. "I'll tell you… or I won't hide it from you," she said.

Rodney cupped her face gently. "I don't think I can handle it if you freak out on me like that again," he said honestly. He still felt guilty that he had 'allowed' Elizabeth to do something she didn't want to, as if he had forced her to her knees and made her give him a blow job at gunpoint.

"I won't, I promise," she said. If she had known she would have reacted so badly, or that Rodney would feel so guilty about it, she certainly wouldn't have done it. She was sure it had put him off sex for a while. "Please… kiss me again?" she asked.

He leaned in to kiss her again, a little more aggressively this time. She responded eagerly, opening her mouth to his, meeting his tongue with hers. They had kissed before, and kissed since the disastrous blow job, but their meeting with Kate had been intense so their connection after it was too. He groaned softly into her mouth. She felt incredible. "I love you, Liz," he murmured.

She looked at him lovingly. "I love you too," she said. She slid into his lap and rested her head against his chest. He secured his arm around her waist and played with her hair with his free hand. When she tilted her head up, her lips pouted invitingly, he didn't see that he had any choice but to kiss her again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and manoeuvred slightly so she was straddling him. She whimpered in delight as his mouth explored her face and neck and his hands ran down the back of her body, resting on the small of her back. When she didn't give off any signs of anxiousness, his hands slid lower to her backside. "Liz, Liz," he called her name over and over.

"I like hearing your voice," she admitted softly. She ran her fingers through his hair. She loved the texture of his hair. She loved everything about him.

"You mean you like hearing me say your name?" he asked distractedly. He had other things on his mind, like her ass. She didn't seem to mind when he squeezed it – smiled playfully even – although he didn't dare try and take her pants off.

"No, I like hearing your voice. It's… soothing," she said. There was something very reassuring about hearing Rodney's voice while he kissed her and touched her, a constant reminder of who she was with. It made it easier for her to return his caresses, made her feel much more comfortable with him.

He smiled playfully at her. "Does this mean you _want_ me to babble?" he asked incredulously.

"Not if you're going to complain about stuff," Elizabeth thought it was prudent to deny him that option before it took fruit in his mind, "but… when I hear your voice, it's comforting. I'm reminded I'm with you."

He cupped her head in his hands. "Does that bother you?" he asked quietly. "That you feel like you're with him?"

Elizabeth squirmed. Talking about Koyla with Rodney made her feel uncomfortable, she was very aware of how he felt being compared – even if the comparison was obviously favourable. But if it helped their relationships – "Not exactly," she said. "I always know I'm with you but sometimes I think about him and it's hard to forget about it."

"You mean you think about him when I take things too far?" he clarified.

"When _we_ take things too far," she corrected. "And yes. But what we were doing just then – it felt good, it felt right. I mean that, Rodney, I'm not just saying it to make you feel better. I heard your voice… and it reminded me I was with you. I feel safe with you," she added, just in case he hadn't got the message.

He smiled. "Say that again," he urged.

She kissed him softly on the mouth. "I feel safe with you," she whispered, her mouth an inch from his.

He slammed his mouth hungrily against hers, for the first time in a week confident he could be a little rough with her and she wouldn't freak out on him. She returned his kisses with her own hunger and embraced his touches. She ran her fingers through his hair, down his face, across his neck until they were both hot and shaky…

"Rodney? Can I come in yet?" Radek's plaintive voice came from the other side of the door. He desperately needed a particular document and had been waiting for Rodney and Elizabeth to take their private life elsewhere – like their rooms – to no avail.

Rodney looked apologetically at Elizabeth. "We probably shouldn't get too carried away anyway," he said. Radek's interruption was a blessing in disguise. A few more minutes of making out with Elizabeth and he would have started thinking about taking her on his couch, and in addition to doubting she was ready for that, he did not want their first time to be on his cramped, crappy couch in his office.

Elizabeth sucked on her bottom lip. _God_ Rodney tasted good. She was reluctant to leave his arms, even for a few minutes, but he had a point. If nothing else, she owed it to him to wait until she was ready. He had been too patient with her to settle for sex when her heart wasn't completely into it. Hell, she owed it to _herself_. But she didn't want this to be it for the day. "I want to spend the night with you," she blurted out.

He smiled at her and stroked her hair. "I'd like that," he said. He kissed her on the cheek and reluctantly eased her off him. "You can come in, Radek," he called through the door.

The Czech scientist poked his head around, afraid he'd be confronted by Rodney and Elizabeth in a state of undress. He was relieved to find them fully clothed. "We were just leaving," Elizabeth said. "It's all yours."

The lab, all to himself for an extended period of time? No Rodney around to yell at him for cluttering up 'his office'? Radek was overjoyed. He could definitely see the advantages to this relationship.

"… Did you see the look on his face when he walked in?" Elizabeth asked a few minutes later as they were walking through Atlantis to Rodney's room. They'd agreed it was best to sleep in Elizabeth's room because it was bigger but they stopped by his room to pick up a fresh change of clothes. "I think he thought he was going to find us naked."

"He's probably thanking God for getting us together now that he gets the office all to himself," Rodney countered. He stopped so he could kiss her, prying her mouth gently open with his tongue. They'd agreed no overt displays of affection in public but he couldn't resist, just this once. Besides, the hallway was nearly deserted. He pulled her into his arms. "God I love you so much," he murmured. Elizabeth sighed happily and allowed herself to give into the embrace. She loved Rodney, and she loved the way he loved her.

They stayed up talking for several hours before sleep started to get the better of them. They changed into their sleeping clothes – Rodney wore boxers and a sweatshirt and Elizabeth wore full-length pyjamas – and settled into bed. It was far from having sex, but the act of sleeping together in itself was quite an intimate one. As she lay in his arms and gradually drifted off to sleep, she felt secure, more secure then she had since Koyla raped her, more secure, in fact, since she'd come to Atlantis.

_I've got a forth chapter in mind depending on the feedback so get reviewing, people  _


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four 

Elizabeth rubbed her cheek against the soft material of Rodney's shirt – she was surprised how soft, he must know a thing or two about fabrics. Whatever it was, it was a very nice feeling to wake up to. _He_ was very nice to wake up to. He was lying on his back with her on her side snuggled up against him, one arm draped across his chest with one of _his_ arms wrapped around her waist.

There was an insistent humming in her ear that sounded suspiciously like Kavanagh's voice calling her name. Couldn't be Kavanagh, she gave him too much credit to barge into her room – she was sure even _he_ had more good manners then that. She rubbed her cheek contentedly against Rodney's chest, as if she could burrow into him.

"DOCTOR WIER!" Kavanagh called again, tentatively poking Elizabeth's head. With a start, Elizabeth well and truly woke up to realise that insistent humming was indeed Kavanagh, he was in her room like he had a _right_ to be there.

She bolted up and glowered at the arrogant, petulant scientist who had done nothing but cause her trouble. Christ, no wonder Rodney had decked him, this man had the manners of a Neanderthal. At least the Neanderthals could claim being intellectually undeveloped ; Kavanagh had no such excuse. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked him coolly.

"You didn't report as usual," Kavanagh said petulantly. "I thought I should come and get you. You didn't answer when I knocked."

Elizabeth glanced over to her clock. It was seven, an hour after she'd said she'd be up for duty. But that still gave Kavanagh no right to come into her room like this. She was his goddamn superior, and the idea of anyone in her room without her permission – let alone a man – gave her the creeps.

Rodney stirred. "Liz, what's up?" he asked. He opened his eyes to see Kavanagh standing above him, looking very judgemental. "Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.

"I could ask you the same thing," Kavanagh retorted primly.

"You wouldn't _have_ to if you respected Liz's personal space," Rodney snarked. He could not believe the audacity of the man. "Get out."

Kavanagh crossed his hands over his chest and looked even more judgemental. "I don't answer to you," he said.

"Yes you do," Rodney reminded him. "Get out."

"Rodney," Elizabeth chided him gently, reminding him without saying a word that she was _both_ their superiors and she needed him to let her handle this if she was to save any face from Kavanagh's rude interruption. Not that she needed to be on the defensive, but a mark of a good leader was how they handled it when they were put on the defensive, deserved or not. She looked Kavanagh squarely in the eye. "Out," she ordered him. "Stay in the hall. I'll be there in five minutes."

Kavanagh left. Elizabeth was furious. How _dare_ he barge into her room like that! "Want me to take care of it?" Rodney asked slyly. He was already thinking of what he could get Kavanagh to do. He'd always thought Kavanagh was a low-down, rotten creep, but he'd never thought the man would barge in like this. A thought occurred to him. "Has he ever done this before?" he asked. Because if he had. Rodney was definitely take care of him. Off the balcony. Into the cold waters of Atlantis.

"No," Elizabeth said. "I think he wants to catch us out, now that he knows we're together."

"Because catching us in bed – after he barged into your room – is just such an uncommon occurred for a couple?" Rodney asked with trademark sarcasm. "_Please_ let me deal with him. I'll be much more effective then any diplomacy."

"Until it gets around that I let you get into a fight with him," Elizabeth countered. "Please, Rodney, you have to respect my authority more then ever now." He looked a little sullen but kept his peace. He had promised her – and himself – that he would never put her in a position where people could say she was favouring him, and he wouldn't start now.

Elizabeth quickly got dressed and met Kavanagh out in the hall. At least he was still there, instead of having run off to tell God knew who God knew what. "How dare you!" she fired at him.

"How dare I make sure our _Governor _is alright?" Kavanagh asked sarcastically.

"You had no right to invade my privacy like that!" Elizabeth said. "You could have knocked louder. We have an _intercom_ system you could have used. But no, you had to barge in in the hope you would catch us out."

"Do you have anything to hide?" Kavanagh asked.

"Oh, because two people in a relationship sleeping together is _so_ uncommon," Elizabeth said sarcastically, parroting Rodney's words. "You crossed a line, Kavanagh. A very big one. If you invade my privacy – or Rodney's – again over your pathetic attempt to undermine us, there will be trouble. Remember, you answer to _both_ of us. Understood?"

Kavanagh nodded. He didn't like the way Elizabeth was looking at him, like she was capable of murder. He went off muttering something about favouritism, but Elizabeth was confident that was the last they would hear from him for a while.

She went back to bed and slid under the covers. She really needed to be reporting for duty – now she was later then ever – but Kavanagh's invasion of her personal space had rattled her more then she cared to admit, and she wanted to feel Rodney's arms around her.

Sensing her mood, Rodney's automatically wrapped his arms around her. "I hope you gave him what-for," he said. He nuzzled the side of her neck. God, she was nice to wake up to. And she wasn't flinching from his touch, either. She'd been uncomfortable when he'd tried to spoon her last night – had said so outright, which had to be a good thing, as least she was being honest with him about her boundaries – but she seemed to be responding better to him this morning. He hoped so. He didn't know how much more patience he would have for her anxiety whenever he was behind her, where she couldn't see him.

She turned on her back so he could kiss her. "I think he's a little scared of both of us now," she said. He began tracing her collarbone with his fingers while he was planting small kisses all over her face. "Mmmmm… that's nice." She glanced over at the clock and saw it was now 7:20. "Rodney… we really need to get up."

Rodney began trailing kisses down her neck. She shivered. It was so tempting to let Atlantis run itself for a day. "Don't want to," he murmured. "Happy to stay in bed with you all day."

For a minute, she catered to his wishes by kissing him. Spending the night in his arms had done her the world of good because she felt so much more comfortable with him now, comfortable enough to close her eyes while he ran his fingers along her body. "Rodney," she murmured, half-admonishing, half-purring, "we…have…to…get…up. Can't let people think we're slacking off."

Reluctantly Rodney stopped kissing her. He liked the way she was responding to him, and it made him want to kiss her more. "Tonight?" he asked hopefully.

She smiled at him. "Tonight," she agreed.

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He was in an excellent mood all day, until he managed to overhear Kavanagh talking – about him and Elizabeth. He4 snuck up behind the scientist. "They were _totally_ going for it," Kavanagh said, embellishing grossly on what he'd seen. "No regard for propriety. You wouldn't believe what a screamer she is. Or how… flexible."

There was uproarious laughter which died down abruptly when Kavanagh's audience realised Rodney was glaring at them with a murderous look. Kavanagh spun around to see Rodney looking at him with a particularly lethal glare. "Doctor McKay," Kavanagh said nervously, wondering exactly how much Rodney had heard. He looked jacked off enough to have heard every word.

"Doctor Kavanagh," Rodney said through gritted teeth. "May I see you for a moment in the hall?"

Kavanagh reluctantly followed Rodney into the quiet of the hall – where there were no witnesses. Grabbing Kavanagh by the shoulder, Rodney slammed him into the wall. "If I hear you talking about us, and especially Elizabeth, again, I will throw you off the balcony," he growled. "Is that understood?"

"You don't scare me," Kavanagh bluffed, although he was shaking.

"You should be scared," Rodney said. "If you do anything to undermine her authority like that again, I will make sure it's the last thing you do." And he meant it a hundred percent.

"You can't threaten me like this," Kavanagh protested.

"Yeah? Go tell Elizabeth what you said and _she_ can decide what to do with you. Or, better yet, what to let _me_ do you with." Rodney looked like he would relish following whatever orders Elizabeth came up with.

Kavanagh thought about it for an entire second, and decided that being pinned against a wall and have threats made against him by Rodney McKay was the lightest he was going to be let off – and he suspected _that_ was only because Rodney was making quite the effort to respect Elizabeth's authority. But right now, there was a dangerous gleam in Rodney's eyes. He had not only disrespected Rodney's respected superior officer, he had disrespected his girlfriend, which was a far worse thing to do. "OK," he gulped.

Rodney let him go. "In the meantime," he said, "I've been looking for someone to recalibrate the human waste reclamation system."

Kavanagh paled. It had been a job that none of the scientists had relished, that had been put off and put off and allowed to get bigger and bigger because really, no-one wanted to be knee-high in human waste. "You can't make me do that!" he protested.

Rodney grimaced. "Fine. Go and tell Elizabeth you called her a whore."

"Fine," Kavanagh muttered, decided Rodney was enjoying his position as Head Scientist far too much. There were some days when he seriously thought coming to Atlantis was a bad idea.

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"What did you say to Kavanagh, he absolutely glowered to me before but didn't say anything. I thought you'd put the fear of God into him."

"Don't believe in God," Rodney reminded her. They were in her room. He'd entered to see her standing in front of the mirror combing out her hair and he'd taken the comb off her to do it himself. He continued even after the job was done because it was obvious the sensation was quite soothing to her. "I overheard him saying some stuff about you, I told him if I heard it again I'd throw him off the balcony. Then I made him recalibrate the human waste reclamation system."

Elizabeth gasped. "You _didn't_," she said.

"That, or repeat what he'd said to you," Rodney added smugly. "He's a coward, when it comes down to it. He'd rather be knee-high it shit then admit he called you a whore." That, he decided, was a good metaphor for Kavanagh himself.

"He didn't?" she asked.

"Those weren't his exact words, no, but that was the sentiment," Rodney admitted. He hadn't meant to tell Elizabeth such upsetting news but she had a way of getting the truth out of him. "Look, you don't need to worry, he's in a minority of people who think that, and except for him, I think the rest of that minority just wants a good gossip. Once people see us together for more then a few days they'll accept us as part of the scenery and get on with it."

She leaned into him. He stopped combing. "I hope so," she admitted. She groaned as Rodney dug his fingers into her back, working at her sore muscles. Just when she was beginning to regret the hassles of the Leader of the Expedition being involved with the Head Scientist, Rodney would remind her that it was all worth it. He kissed the nape of her neck and she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of Rodney's fingers in her back and his lips on her neck. "Sweetheart, that feels good," she murmured.

He noticed she was keeping her eyes closed and relaxing under his touch. She'd never been so relaxed around him before, especially not when she couldn't see him. He was glad he'd insisted on spending the night with her, it seemed to have done the world of good to her ability to relax around him. He stopped massaging her back and let his hands wander down her back and tentatively under her shirt. She sighed happily which he took for permission to venture higher up her back. "Rodney…" Elizabeth whispered. He considered taking her to the bed where they'd be more comfortable then decided screw comfort, he wasn't ruining the moment just yet.

He moved one hand along her bare skin to her stomach and rested it there for a few seconds. She pushed her back against his chest, welcoming his touch. They had never been this intimate, and Rodney was petrified of getting it wrong – but then, they couldn't just dance around the issue forever, and he had always known he would have to make the first move. He took his time undoing the top button of her pants, watching for any sign of resistance. There was none. In fact, he sensed a little impatience. He certainly was taking his time. He undid the buttons on her pants to give him freer access to her and slid his hand down her pants between her legs.

For a second he waited, still, for a reaction. She was breathing more heavily, but no tenseness, no resistance. She wanted this. _She wanted this!_ He began to touch her. "Rodney," she gasped, opening her eyes.

"Keep your eyes closed sweetheart," Rodney instructed. No sense in going halfway here. If she was open to him touching her like this, she would be open to having her eyes closed. He wanted her to relax entirely in his presence, and that would only happen when she was comfortable around him without being able to see him.

Obediently, Elizabeth closed her eyes. She sank into Rodney's hold, grateful he had his wits about him or else they'd both be on the floor by now. Oh, God, he really knew what he was doing. "Rodney…" she groaned as she began responding to his touch.

He nuzzled the side of her neck. He was afraid his next words would scare her off completely but he wanted to get it out and now felt nearly perfect – as perfect as things were going to get, given how nervous he was about stuffing things out. "Liz, I wanna go down on you," he blurted out.

Elizabeth tensed up slightly in surprise, but she made no attempt to make him stop. What he was doing felt good, _right,_ for the first time in their relationship she felt comfortable with him sexually, and she wanted more of it. But – "I don't know if I can… return the favour," she admitted.

He kissed the side of her neck. "I'm not asking you," he said. After the last time, he didn't know if he could ever rise to the occasion for a blow job again. "I just want to make you come." He had a feeling, although he wasn't going to share it with Elizabeth, or Kate for that matter, that part of what was holding Elizabeth back was because her last two sexual experiences had been so humiliating for her – the disastrous blow job which Rodney wasn't sure he'd ever get over, and Koyla's rape. He had never been brave enough to ask her how much it had hurt, but he knew it must have, and he didn't see how that _couldn't_ have soured her off sex. He certainly wasn't going to push her to do the deed until she was ready, but instinct told her that an orgasm would be a massive hurdle that had been jumped. "I won't expect sex after, either," he added sincerely. He applied pressure at exactly the right spot and caused her to slump against him with a groan. "You know you want it," he said, just a little smugly. He was yet to leave a woman unsatisfied. He trailed kisses along her neck and whispered, "I love you, Liz. I want to make you happy."

How could a women resist a declaration like that? It was impossible for her not to accept what Rodney was offering. He scooped her up into his arms and carried her to her bed – which something told her would be _their_ bed soon enough. He started kissing her mouth then trailled kisses down her body. When he got to her waist, he eased her out of her pants and got to work – not that he considered it work.

Half an hour later, she was very, very happy and very, very grateful. "Thankyou," she murmured, although _thankyou_ seemed insufficient for what Rodney had just given her. He moved up the bed and looked down at her lovingly. When she looked into her eyes, she realised how much of a hurdle the pain and humiliation she'd been associating with sex had been. But it was extremely difficult to think about pain and humiliation after your boyfriend had delivered you an earth-shattering orgasm and was now looking at you like you were a goddess, asking for nothing in return other then your love. She wondered if that had been Rodney's plan all along. If it had been, he knew her better then she knew herself.

She kissed him. She had never felt so relaxed in her life – and never been so preoccupied with sex. It felt like the natural conclusion, but she was afraid. It was difficult to trust her own instincts. "I really want to," she admitted. "But I'm scared." She was petrified of freaking out, of feeling a loss of control. Something told her he could e quite aggressive, and even if he _tried_ to be passive, it would take him just one moment to lose control of himself. One moment to lose control that she would have welcomed in different circumstances but right now, all she could think about was Rodney reaching the point of no return and becoming too rough. He'd have the best intentions of course, but –

He kissed her gently. "I know," he said. He looked embarrassed and then said, "I've thought about this… and you're afraid I'm going to lose control, like when you went down on me?" She nodded. "But otherwise, you want to do it?" she nodded again, knowing that she absolutely wanted to have sex with Rodney. "I want you to restrain me," he blurted out.

She looked at him in surprise. "You want to give up control?" she asked incredulously. The idea was so foreign to her that her first instinct was to laugh. Rodney McKay, who was constantly pestering John to let him fly the puddle jumpers, who was constantly yelling at Zelenka for interfering with his work, wanted to give up control? She smothered the instinct, realising that Rodney was deadly serious and must love her to distraction if he was willing to give up that kind of control.

"I don't _want_ to," he scoffed, as if it was the most ludicrous thing in the world that he would _want_ to give up control – especially in a field where, like scientist, he considered himself something of a pro. "I _want _to make you happy, Liz. I _want_ to make you comfortable. Tell me honestly, would it make you feel better if you were to tie my hands to the bed?"

She bit her lip. What Rodney was proposing was ridiculous. She wasn't into domination and Rodney wasn't the submissive type – he was anything but. But – she knew what he was asking was true. It would make her feel a lot better to know he wasn't able to control her. "It's terrible that I feel that way," she admitted. "I should be able to trust you."

He cupped her face gently. "It's not terrible," he said softly. "You've been through a lot and you already trust me a lot more then you did before. You kneed me in the balls, remember? You trust me enough not to feel you have to resort to that again, don't you?" Elizabeth nodded. "Then this is just something else you need to learn to trust me over. I don't think it's going to be an instant thing, Liz. I think whenever we first have sex, you're going to feel a little threatened. I understand that. That's why I'm offering. So… will you feel better if I'm restrained?"

Elizabeth felt tears pricking her eyes. Rodney was so good to her. She nodded wordlessly. Rodney kissed her, gently at first then more passionately. She responded eagerly, and welcomed his hands when they began taking her clothes off. He had never seen her naked before and she was as beautiful as he had expected her to be. "I love you," he murmured as he tried to relax completely and let her take charge. It was damn hard, and if ever got out that he let himself be tied up he'd never live it down.

He wasn't surprised that as soon as she'd gotten his shirt off she bound his wrists together with the tie from her robe and then secured them to the bedhead. As reluctant as she had been to resort to restraining him, he could see it made her feel much safer. He groaned when Elizabeth pulled down his pants and began stroking him hard. "Liz," he cried, straining against his bonds. "Oh, Liz, oh, Liz…" She got a kick out of the way he was reacting to her. She was grateful Rodney was prepared to do this for her, and even more certain then before that this was what she wanted to do.

Rodney nearly screamed when Elizabeth got on top of him. His first instinct was to grab her hips hard and grind against her. He was glad he'd thought of this because he knew if he had his hands free he'd get very aggressive. Oh, God, he'd actually forgotten the last time he'd gotten laid. Not that it really mattered when Elizabeth was on top of him. God, he wished he had the use of his hands. This was going to take a while…

Half an hour later, he was absolutely exhausted but very, very satisfied – and he knew it was more then just the release after a dry spell. "_Please_ untie me," he begged.

For a second, Elizabeth was tempted to leave him as he was. Her heart got the better of her. He didn't look too happy and he'd done it for her in the first place. She untied him and he immediately drew her into a hug. "I know that was my idea, but I _really_ hope I don't have to do that again, " he said ruefully.

"You didn't enjoy it?" she asked with a teasing smile on her lips.

"You know damn well I enjoyed it," he scoffed. "You just wanted to hear me say it. No… I didn't like being that passive, " he admitted. "And I couldn't get in sync with you. It didn't feel…"

"Connected?" Elizabeth asked. Rodney nodded. She knew exactly what he was talking about, she had felt it herself. "I don't think I'll need to do that again," she said. She snuggled up to him. It wasn't exactly the afterglow of fantastic sex but it was the warmth of trusting someone absolutely. Their first time may not have been earth-shattering, but it had been exactly what she had needed. They could work on earth-shattering. "I love you, Rodney," she murmured. "More then I can say. Thankyou for seeing me through this."

"I love you, too," he replied. "And it was nothing." Maybe, he thought as he drifted off to sleep with Elizabeth in his arms, love was not so much about being easy as being worth it. No matter how hard something was at the time, and dealing with Elizabeth trauma had been very hard for Rodney, now that it was over, he couldn't for the life of him remember how many times she had driven him crazy with frustration and worry. So it must have been worth it.

**THE END.**


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